Two notes before the practical part. Some of what's below won't apply to your situation. States do things differently, families are organized differently, and the circumstances of a death change the order of operations. You are not failing if you can't do all of this, or if some of it takes far longer. Most of what feels urgent right now isn't. This short guide is here to separate what is time-sensitive from what only feels that way.
This assumes you and your spouse were legally married. If you were long-term partners but not married, your legal standing is different. You may not be next of kin, you may not automatically inherit, and you may not be eligible for the survivor benefits covered in the companion guide. If that is your situation, talk to an estate attorney early.
Only a small number of things belong in the first 24 to 48 hours. The checklist at the bottom of this page collects them in one place, and you can print it and keep it beside you.
Confirm the pronouncement of death
A medical professional has to officially pronounce your spouse dead before anything else can happen. If the death occurred in a hospital, hospice, or nursing facility, this has already been done. If it happened at home and your spouse was under hospice care, call the hospice nurse, who can pronounce death without involving 911. If it happened at home without hospice care, call 911. Paramedics or police will come, and depending on the circumstances a coroner or medical examiner may be involved. Don't move the body until you have been told it is okay to do so.
Tell the people who need to know right now
Start with your children, your spouse's parents and siblings if living, your closest friends, and anyone who would want to hear directly from you rather than learn it from someone else. You don't have to call everyone in the first day. The people closest to both of you are enough for now. Other notifications can come over the following week.
Telling your children
If your children are old enough to understand and they aren't with you, have this conversation in person when you can manage it. If they aren't nearby, use a phone or video call rather than a text message. There is no script for this, and no version of telling them that will feel right. Doing it directly, in your own voice, is the kindest way you can. Some things tend to help:
- Be direct, age-appropriately. Young children especially need clear language, like "Daddy died, his body stopped working," rather than euphemisms like "passed away" or "we lost him," which can confuse them.
- Reassure them about what stays the same. Same school? Same friends? Will you still pick them up? Young children fear that everything will change, and answering the unasked questions helps.
- Let them ask the same question again and again. They are processing. Answering it the tenth time with patience is part of the work.
- Tell their school, daycare, or coach. Other adults in their life need to know, both to support them and to be gentle about triggers like Father's Day or Mother's Day projects.
Choose a funeral home
This one is time-sensitive. If your spouse had a pre-arranged plan with a specific funeral home, contact them. If not, choose one in the first day or two so the body can be transported and held while you make further arrangements. Friends, the hospital, hospice, or your religious community can usually recommend one quickly. You don't have to make every funeral decision right now. You only need to pick which funeral home will hold the body and work with you over the coming days.
The Federal Trade Commission's Funeral Rule requires funeral homes to give you a written price list before you make decisions. You can ask for it, compare options, and decline anything you don't want. You are not obligated to use the funeral home that first picks up the body if you later decide you'd prefer a different one.
Check for any funeral or burial wishes
Before you finalize arrangements, it helps to know whether your spouse left instructions about what they wanted. The fastest places to find them are a separate letter of instruction or "final wishes" document, a prepaid or pre-arranged plan with a funeral home (call and ask), or what your spouse told you and close family. If your spouse was a veteran, they may be eligible for burial benefits and military honors, so mention that to the funeral home.
The will is usually not the place to look, at least not in time. Wills are typically not located or read until days or even weeks after a death, well after the funeral has already happened. Decisions about the body are made by the next of kin, usually the spouse first, under your state's laws, not by the will. So don't spend these first hours tearing the house apart for the will. If you can't find written wishes quickly, it is okay to make loving decisions on your spouse's behalf, and no one will fault you for it.
The will itself, along with any trust, beneficiary forms, and account paperwork, belongs to the first week, not the first 48 hours. Its real job, guiding probate and the division of assets, does not begin for weeks. The first-week guide covers finding and using those documents when the time comes.
Steady the home for a day or two
The household keeps running. The basics that need attention in the first day or two:
- If your spouse had pets, make sure they are cared for. You may not have the bandwidth to walk the dog three times a day. A friend, neighbor, or family member can step in for a week.
- Find any urgent tasks your spouse handled. Was their car about to be moved for street cleaning? Is a vendor showing up tomorrow they were supposed to meet? Cancel or delegate as needed.
- Put important papers somewhere safe. Your home will fill with visitors over the next few days, and a set place for important documents keeps them from getting lost.
- Eat. Drink water. Sleep when you can. You will not feel hungry. Eat anyway, small things often. Grief is physical, and a body running on no food for a day will fail you when you need it most.
Everything else, from death certificates to benefits to insurance to finances, belongs to the days that follow, not the next 48 hours. When you have a little more room to breathe, the companion guide covers what to do in the first week.
If you need someone to talk to
If you are struggling, support is available right now. The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988) is free and open 24 hours a day. Soaring Spirits International (soaringspirits.org) is a free organization for widowed people, with online and in-person community. Many hospice organizations offer free grief counseling to families even if their loved one was not in hospice care. Your funeral director or your own doctor can also point you to local resources. What you are going through is real. Reaching out doesn't make it smaller, but it can make it less alone.
The short list of things that can't wait. Tick them off as you go, and don't add anything that isn't here yet.
This is the whole list for the first two days. If a task isn't here, it can almost certainly wait. The first-week guide will help you with the rest when you are ready.